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Who's this guitar playing sonsabitch?

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Who's this guitar playing sonsabitch?

Post by Actually Goat on Wed Jul 01, 2015 9:30 pm

Well. Hi. I'm Goat, or Casey. You guys mostly know me. I guess this is where I say "oh I'm back for real this time" no. I'm not. I doubt many of you even care what happened, or where I was, but I feel like I owe you all some closure since the community here was fairly tight-knit. I don't remember the dates that well and honestly, I'd rather not remember the dates that well because it was a pretty bad time in my life. Anyways, during my first absence, I was fifteen I think? Well, I overdosed on pills. During that time, I was suicidal, depressed, most of my friends weren't around for me and I had no one to fall back to. I didn't want to burden anyone online with something going on with a person they knew from the internet, something they had no control over, something that was going on miles away from them. I thought it would be fitting just to leave, hope that I would just turn into Karmiz, except, you know, actually forgotten. It obviously didn't work. I woke up in a hospital, covered in my own vomit and some doctor looking on from the otherside of the room. It was surreal and I was sent to "The Ridge", which is a juvenile correctional facility. Sure, I can say that it worked, but all that the Ridge did was make me not want to get caught trying this shit again. I wanted it to succeed. After that failed attempt, I just went back onto the forum like nothing happened. Honestly, things started to look better, I forgot about the whole "suicide and not getting caught" business because I met a friend named Phil. Phil was a drummer who lived in Baltimore, he and I became fast friends for our love of metal, illegal substances, and beer. We would jam over skype (not that bad, honestly) we would send each other recordings of drum lines or guitar riffs, we said that when we hit 18, got out of our place, we would move in together, start a band, have fun being losers who work at Wal-Mart and enjoy life. 

That isn't going to happen. Last summer, 2014, I got a text from Phil's phone. Wasn't Phil. It was his sister and I still remember what it said. The text said "I'm sorry, but Phil died a few nights ago because of a heroin overdose. I don't know who this is, but I'm pretty sure it would mean a lot if you went to his funeral." and I did. I went, I saw his body lowered. I didn't feel anything. I went home and just stared at the ceiling. I felt alone for the first time in a year again. My mom barely cared, my friends... I can't really call them that and my best friend, my bandmate? He's dead. I had no one to turn to. I had something to turn though, that something was the same thing that killed my best friend. Heroin. Drugs. I had a dealer who had more than just weed on him, so one day I asked if I could try out one of his "other" things. Turns out, DARE was right for once, heroin IS really addictive. I wouldn't say I was addicted my first time hitting it, but it felt fun. I waited, say, a month or two before hitting him up again for it. From there, a month turned into two weeks. Every two weeks during June to August, I was getting high off my ass from a needle in my veins. And as fate would have it, I overdosed. Again. Woke up in a hospital room again, this time my mom was looking over me and she looked... sad? Furious? It's hard to say. I love my mom, but I can never read her. And once again, I was sent to The Ridge.

It barely helped. Sure, I didn't want to do heroin anymore because waking up in hospital rooms is unpleasant, but I wouldn't say it "helped". I still enjoy doing drugs, I still enjoy drinking. I still enjoy that cliche lifestyle of drugs, sex, rock and roll. I still enjoy lighting a joint, drinking vodka and playing shows for a crowd of fifty people in a dive bar, in shitstain Kentucky. That's where I've been lately as well, I've been working on my music with my band. I still wouldn't call my friends "friends", since none of them really care. 

Would I do this all again? Honestly, probably. I don't see why I wouldn't. I understand what I was going through during that time and nothing would've helped me out. Coming to you all would've made me feel a burden rather than a friend for both times. 

Wow, this is a jumbled mess. I'm sorry for any difficulties reading this, but I really wanted to post this. I'm sorry guys. I probably won't be back on this site after I post this, so if you have any questions, just ask me via steam.

Actually Goat

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Re: Who's this guitar playing sonsabitch?

Post by Keval on Wed Jul 01, 2015 9:48 pm

All I can say is I hope you find true happiness and a clear purpose.

Live life the way you want to, just try not to hurt anybody.
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Keval

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